Short story feedback *CATION* Contains adult content

I am in the process of writing a Sci-fi short story for a magazine. I'm including a excerpt from the story. It is a rough draft and I am well aware of the grammar errors. I would like people to comment on if the battle scene which is going on has good imagery are you able to see what is going on or does it confuse you please provide constructive feedback, if you think there is something wrong please explain not just "Story is junk I don't like". Thank you. P.S. remember this a excerpt the background of the characters is not important at this point I just want to see if you can visually see whats going on.

Edit : I am editing the strong language I'm not sure if its aginst the rules or not so Im going to just to be safe.

He watches them, he smells them they stink human filth. He can smell the stench of fear in all of them. His face is covered in thick hair, he has a thick muscular build with dark brown eyes he stands about five foot five. Fenton asks “Renny how many are there?” “Ten guarding the door, six more behind the door, and eight more under the tree.” “Under the tree?” “Yes it appears to be a room under the tree.” Renny is sitting on a rock seeming to look in no general direction his helmet covers his whole head and visor hides his eyes from view with a bright red reflective tent. He is a little taller then Fenton and very skinny.“Dax are you ready?” No response. He is sitting on the ground not moving as if he was in a meditative state. His helmet covers his whole face with only two small lens near the center, his suit covers all of his body and has many blocks of circuitry through out it. He stands up and stretches his long legs, he towers over Fenton by a more than a foot. “DAX!” “No, not yet twenty more minutes I’ll be fully charged.” “Bah…fine we wait, Renny I want you to take Eims and see if you can scout out anymore potential hazards.” “Right, come on Eims.” Renny leaves, Eims is in the process of putting together his rifle.He is looking all around him not even stopping to look at his rifle as he is putting it back together. His helmet is Larger than the others, it has two large lenses center front with two smaller to the sides of them and slightly lower, and two final ones near the side of his head and higher than all of them. He stands up and jogs after Renny they are both the same height but Eims has a slightly larger build.

The marines were headed into the unknown. “I wonder why the ---- they have us wearing capacitors and injected us with electro crap.” “Well I would imagine they don’t want us to know dumb ----.” “ This is kinda freaky have you guys noticed how well they have armed us?” “Quite the truck is slowing down.” The Major spoke up “Alright marines we are now in recon mode no talking what so ever be as quite as possible and get ready to move out.” All the marines nodded except for the gunny he was busy praying.

Renny came running back towards Dax and Fenton. “you guys only scouted 50 feet or so what..” “There’s a eighteen wheeler coming I can’t see what’s inside.” “You think it means something?” “It’s the first thing that I’ve encountered that has blocked my vision.” Fenton sat and thought for a moment. “ Dax how long?” “ Fifteen minutes.” “Ok Renny take Eims and you guys watch that truck you see anything come out start shooting. When we hear shooting we move into the building.” “Right ok” Renny turned around to leave, paused then looked at Fenton “I’m not a great shot and I think I’d be more useful to you guys…” “Eims will be doing most of the killing you provide cover fire we’ll be fine now that I know where there hiding I’ll smell them before they can hit us.”

Eight men wearing black combat gear no markings except an American flag on the top right shoulder they were all carrying shotguns. Standing, waiting. “---- I can’t stop shaking let me bum a smoke I’m sweating over here.” “Why are you guys scared?” “Well let’s see they have used armed to the teeth eight of us guarding the front door some behind the door and some to the right of us ready to flank but they won’t tell us who were going to attack, not to mention they have called marine backup, don’t know about you but I’m kind of freaked out.” “Well I’m not we got plenty of support unless a small army decides to attack us.” The guards sat in silence for awhile they were all terrified. You could almost feel it some sort of impending attack about to happen but not even knowing what you’re up against. A gun shot rang out. It happened so fast most didn’t even have time to react. Two men came running out of the woods one of them was running at an incredible speed the other was a huge man had to be bigger than six and a half feet. The guards started to raise their guns and say something before they could even utter the fast one jumped toward the bottom of the stairs, landed on his hands, his feet landed almost in the same spot, he lunged forward grabbed two guards and threw them into the other two, and immediately jumped on another guard, and started to beat him, fists closed his hands becoming bloody seemed to disappear into the man’s face. The three that were standing started to raise their guns at the intruder when two long arms came around all of their heads and squeezed. Before they lost consciousness it felt like their heads were being split apart. The fast one Yelled “ DAX DON’T USE ALL YOUR JUICE!!” He then jumped to the pile of men getting up after they were thrown into each other. He started to beat them all, he’s too fast to strong he can’t be human. Then darkness… Shots were ringing out from the east and sounded like one up the hill. Suddenly he stopped lifted his nose in the air. “DAX BEHIND YOU!” Two of the guards were around the corner smoking heard the shots and came running. Dax turned and upholstered his handguns with surprising speed He shot the guards with two automatic bursts they went down. “Fenton the guards behind the door they haven’t come out they must have some sort of trap sent up.” “I smell Tabun Gas JESUS they aren’t ------- around your helmet has a gas mask in it right?” “Yes I’ll be fine take care of the ones under the tree and stay away from the entrance. Fenton moved to study the tree.

“I don’t like that we moved so far back were out of my range of vision.” “Don’t worry I can see everything.” Eims was lying down had his gun centered on the truck to hit whatever comes out. “Well I’ll do my best to provided support fire I can barely see even with this scope on.” Eims didn’t need a scope he held his position waiting for an opportunity.

The Major made a hand gesture to the gunny meaning “Go”. The gunny nodded and signaled his marines to follow. He opened the door slowly and whispered “Williams put on your H.I.B. and take a look.” Williams put on his Heat imaging binoculars and looked through the crack of in-between the hinge and the door. Williams goggles shattered and the back of his head sprayed blood a few seconds after he hit the ground a gun report was heard. “JESUS BACK UP MARINES!” “I DIDN’T HEAR THE ------- GUN UNTIL HE HIT THE GROUND MAN.” “ That means he has to be a mile or two away…----. The Major stood up “Marines I want you out there and fighting those terrorists do you understand?” “Sir there no way we can fight him if he’s over a mile away that too far for us to fire on.” The sound of broken gla55 (those 5's are s's the editor won't let me put it here.) was heard sounded like it was in the cab, then the report of another shot. “Higgs get us out of here.” No answer “ HIGGS THIS IS MAJOR JAMES REPORT!” no answer “---- he must have shot him were stuck here…Gunny I want us out of this situation.” “Yes sir.”

Eims eyes were focused he could see the paint that was chipped off the open door. “Keep your eye on the cab Renny don’t shoot just tell me if you see anything.” Eims saw through the door a lens of some sort probly a helmet. He fired small spray of blood and he saw the suttle shifts of the traior. “That scared them.” He laughed to himself. “Eims I think I saw a glimmer in the front of the truck. Eims looked over and saw the driver rolling down the window. He centered his gun and fired the driver didn’t even get the window down half way his shot blew out the other window though. “Rabbit Rabbit where did you go if you stop no one will know…” Eims laughed his maniacal laugh. It always made Renny uncomfortable, when he laughed it made him think he was crazy. “Did you get him?...is that smoke?” Eims continued singing “noone will know except for me the man with the gun my name is Eims.” Eims started to fire again.

The gunny was breathing very hard “Ok Marines we are going to head toward that building. It’s about thirty yards away two smoke grenades should be sufficient. Johnson, Dicks front and center.” The two men ran toward the back of the truck. “Ok marines as soon as there is cover I want two groups of five, the last group will surround the Major. Pop smoke and lets head out.” The two men up front grabbed two smoke grenades pulled the clips and threw them. The grenades hit the ground and white smoke poured out and soaked up the area

I appreciate anyone who has the ability to tell a story so please don't take this wrong.

Your characters need to be more descriptive as to their importance in the action or conversation.

We need to know who is speaking...where is the conversation centered and coming from.

And yes... the grammar leaves you wondering if the sentence is finished as sometimes there are too many things going on for one sentence to explain.

"His face is covered in thick hair" What kind of hair? Black, brown, blonde, red, molted..what? ..we're left wondering.

"The three that were standing started to raise their guns at the intruder when two long arms came around all of their heads and squeezed. Before they lost consciousness it felt like their heads were being split apart." Here is where you switch perspective in middle of description. Maybe changing "it" to "they" would keep it all centered on who is feeling what. Is the intruder the same character as the two long arms?

I love a good sci-fi and your story is there. It does need to focus on the above advice and some spelling errors. More commas to pause and dramatize the storyline reading.

I admit I did laugh at the "upholstered his handguns". The story is there, just polish it so we can understand what you want us to.

Thanks for the comments first off the "upholstered his handguns". Was Microsoft Word's fault lol it auto changed it to that But any way this is what I'm talking about, good feed back you can't hurt my feeling so be as honest as possiable. Thank you for the comment Sledgehammer I will look into revising the fight scene and I did see your points.

I think my biggest problem Is I see all of the story in my head it all makes sence to me. But I need other people to "get" it to. Thanks agin for the feed back.

I've got some other replys from people that the perspecive is messed up so I have moved some stuff around hopefully thisd makes a little more sence.




The “Terrorists” were watching the building but there was four instead of two. Fenton watches the guards, he smells them they stink human filth. He can smell the stench of fear in all of them. His face is covered in thick red hair, he has a thick muscular build with dark brown eyes he stands about five foot five, Fenton looks away and asks “Renny how many are there?” “Ten guarding the door, six more behind the door, and eight more under the tree.” Fenton looks confused “Under the tree?” Renny adjusts his visor.“Yes it appears to be a room under the tree.” Renny is sitting on a rock seeming to look in no general direction, his helmet covers the top and back of his head, and his visor hides his eyes from view with a bright red reflective tent. He is a little taller than Fenton and very skinny. “Dax are you ready?” No response. He is sitting on the ground not moving as if he was in a meditative state. His helmet covers his whole face with only two small lenses near the center, his suit covers all of his body and has many blocks of circuitry throughout it. He stands up and stretches his long legs, he towers over Fenton by a more than a foot. “DAX!” “No not yet twenty more minutes I’ll be fully charged.” “Bah…fine we wait, Renny I want you to take Eims and see if you can scout out anymore potential hazards.” “Right, come on Eims.” Renny leaves, Eims is in the process of putting together his rifle. He is looking all around himself, not even stopping to look at his riflethat he is putting back together. His helmet is larger than the others, it has two large lenses center front with two smaller to the sides of them and slightly lower, and two final ones near the side of his head and higher than all of them. He stands up and jogs after Renny, they are both the same height but Eims has a slightly larger build.

The marines were headed into the unknown. “I wonder why the ---- they have us wearing capacitors and injected us with electro crap.” “Well I would imagine they don’t want us to know dumb ----.” “ This is kinda freaky have you guys noticed how well they have armed us?” “Quiet the truck is slowing down.” The Major spoke up “Alright marines we are now in recon mode, no talking what so ever, be as quite as possible and get ready to move out.” All the marines nodded except for the gunny, he was busy praying.

Renny came running back towards Dax and Fenton. “You guys only scouted 50 feet or so wha..” “There’s an eighteen wheeler coming I can’t see what’s inside.” Fenton snapped his head around “You think it means something?” Renny looks paniced “It’s the first thing that I’ve encountered that has blocked my vision.” Fenton sat and thought for a moment. “ Dax how long?” “Fifteen minutes.” “Ok Renny take Eims and you guys watch that truck you see anything come out start shooting. When we hear shooting we move into the building.” “Right, ok” Renny turned around to leave, paused then looked at Fenton “I’m not a great shot, and I think I’d be more useful to you guys…” “Eims will be doing most of the killing you provide cover fire, we’ll be fine now that I know where there hiding, I’ll smell them before they can hit us.”

“I don’t like that we moved so far back were out of my range of vision.” Renny said with a taste of fear. Eims said “Don’t worry I can see everything.” Eims was lying down, he had his gun centered on the truck to hit whatever comes out. Renny always felt uncofrtable around Eims, Renny muttered “Well I’ll do my best to provided support fire I can barely see even with this scope on.” Eims didn’t need a scope he held his position waiting for an opportunity.

Eims eyes were focused, he could see the paint that was chipped off the corner of the trailer. “Keep your eye on the cab Renny don’t shoot just tell me if you see anything.” The back trailer door opened slightly. Eims saw in the small space in-between the door and trailer a reflective lens of some sort probly a helmet. He fired, small mist of blood was visible then he saw the subtle shifts of the trailer. “That scared them.” He laughed to himself. Renny was having a hard time seeing through his scope. “Eims I think I saw a glimmer in the front of the truck. Eims looked over and saw the driver rolling down the window. He centered his gun and fired, the driver didn’t even get the window down half way, though his shot blew out the other window. Eims started to chant “Rabbit Rabbit where did you go if you stop no one will know…” Eims laughed his maniacal laugh. It always made Renny uncomfortable, when he laughed it made Renny think he was crazy. “Did you get him?...is that smoke?” Eims continued chanting “no one will know except for me the man with the gun my name is Eims.” Eims started to fire again.

The Major made a hand gesture to the gunny meaning “Go”. The gunny nodded and signaled his marines to follow. He opened the door slowly and whispered “Williams put on your H.I.B. and take a look.” Williams put on his Heat imaging binoculars and looked through the crack in-between the hinge and the door. Williams goggles shattered and the back of his head sprayed blood, a few seconds after he hit the ground a gun report was heard. “JESUS BACK UP MARINES!” “I DIDN’T HEAR THE ------- GUN UNTIL HE HIT THE GROUND MAN.”, “That means he has to be a mile or two away…----. The Major stood up “Marines I want you out there and fighting those terrorists do you understand?” “Sir there no way we can fight him if he’s over a mile away that too far for us to fire on.” The sound of broken gla55 was heard sounded like it was in the cab, then the report of another shot. “Higgs get us out of here.” No answer “HIGGS THIS IS MAJOR JAMES REPORT!” no answer “---- he must have shot him, were stuck here…Gunny I want us out of this situation.” “Yes sir.”

Eight men wearing black combat gear no markings except an American flag on the top right shoulder they were all carrying shotguns. Standing, waiting. “----I can’t stop shaking let me bum a smoke I’m sweating over here.” “Why are you guys scared?” “Well let’s see they have used armed to the teeth eight of us guarding the front door some behind the door and some to the right of us ready to flank but they won’t tell us who were going to attack, not to mention they have called marine backup, don’t know about you but I’m kind of freaked out.” He lit up his smoke“ Well I’m not we got plenty of support unless a small army decides to attack us.” The guards sat in silence for awhile they were all terrified. You could almost feel it some sort of impending attack about to happen but not even knowing what you’re up against. A gun shot rang out. They all looked east guns ready “What was that?” Then they heard running and breathing It happened so fast most didn’t even have time to react. Two men came running out of the woods one of them was running at an incredible speed the other was a huge man had to be bigger than six and a half feet. The guards started to raise their guns and say something but, before they could even utter, the fast one jumped toward the bottom of the stairs and landed on his hands, his feet landed almost in the same spot he lunged forward, grabbed two guards and threw them into the other two knocking all four down the stairs, and immediately jumped on another guard and started to beat him, fists closed his hands becoming bloody seemed to disappear into the man’s face. The three that were standing started to raise their guns at the intruder when two long arms came out of no where around all of their heads and squeezed. Before they lost consciousness they felt like their heads were being split apart. The fast one Yelled “DAX DON’T USE ALL YOUR JUICE!!” He then jumped to the pile of men getting up after they were thrown into each other. He started to beat them all, he’s too fast to strong he can’t be human. Then darkness… Shots were ringing out from the east. “Sounds like Eims is having…” He cut himself off suddenly he lifted his nose in the air. “DAX BEHIND YOU!” Two of the guards were around the corner smoking, heard the shots and came running. Dax turned and unholstered his handguns with surprising speed He shot the guards with two automatic bursts they went down. “Fenton the guards behind the door they haven’t come out they must have some sort of trap sent up.” Fenton started to smell the air “I smell Nerve agent JESUS they aren’t -------- around, your helmet has a gas mask in it right?” “Yes I’ll be fine, take care of the ones under the tree and stay away from the entrance.” Fenton moved to study the tree.

The gunny was breathing very hard “Ok Marines we are going to head toward that building. It’s about thirty yards away two smoke grenades should be sufficient. Johnson, Dicks front and center.” The two men ran toward the back of the truck. “Ok marines as soon as there is cover I want two groups of five the last group will surround the Major. Pop smoke and let’s head out.” The two men up front grabbed two smoke grenades pulled the clips and threw them. The grenades hit the ground and white smoke poured out and soaked up the area. When the entire way was filled with smoke the marines filed out in suit. “Stay behind the smoke, Marines Team Brovo stay AHHGRG.” They gunnys’ knee exploded he collapsed. The Marines all acted at the same time Firing toward the sound. Two marines ran to the Gunny and helped him up. “DROP MORE SMOKE!!” three more cans were realeased one by one the men were getting hit center chest, and dropping. “CEASE FIRE AND MOVE OUT!!” They started to move toward the building again. And made it. They let the Gunny sit down “Report!!” “Sir there is only four of us left.” The gunny looked up “The Major?” “Not here sir…how could someone shoot that good sir?” the gunny forced himself up. “No one can, I don’t know what’s going on but those are not simple terrorists.”

im a writer myself

Lura is a bit right u should put character despcrition like this.

He turned around to look at her, "Well.." he then turned back to see what happend, "Where is he?"

she quickly respond to him, she turned around with a catious fright, "Who?"

something like that with writing

give ur character a movment and sort of saying im actually writing my own story and waiting for a publisher response, besdies that im also a poetry.

I make music write and draw.

Also, that to bring ur character a look a visual look describer his/her hair body and look and feeling

Your second attempt was much better but still needs some polish. I was able to follow it up to one paragraph that needed embelishment.

When you start the paragraph: "Eight men wearing black combat gear no markings except an American flag on the top right shoulder they were all carrying shotguns. Standing, waiting. “----I can’t stop shaking ....." it needs further explanation.

For instance: Inside a broken down shack, eight men dressed in black combat gear with an American flag on their right shoulder paced impatiently. They were armed with shotguns. Standing, waiting..finally one of the men cracked the silence; "I can't stop shaking.....

See how the senrtences are shortened, more descriptive and polished. Sometimes you over empathize the little items but forget the main focus of your description..ie Where are the men instead of worrying about exact placement of the American flag. Then the conversation must be started by someone so I embelished a bit with "finally one of the men cracked the silence; "I can't stop shaking...

There are other areas but this was the most obvious. My rewriting is only an example for explanation so don't take it I'm changing your story. I'm just showing how to visualize without making the explanation or description too long or confusing.

There's lots of action in your story but the reader needs to visualize the atmosphere, the characters and surroundings before the story can actually pull the reader into it. Otherwise we're spending too much time guessing and missing the excitement your trying to portray in the action.

Keep your sentences descriptive but short. Don't be afraid give atmosphere to the surroundings and characters. Be precise in separating sentences that do not belong to the next thought or character. Make sure we know who is talking.

I hope you can see what I'm trying to explain..and good luck on this piece.

Whew....now that was long-winded of me. lol

Very good examples Cynn.

You ended the sentences when they needed to end. You can tell when someone is speaking and who is speaking.

You can also see when the conversation ends and story telling continues before the next conversation.

I also noticed almost every one of your examples used a little character history to build atmosphere to make the reader want to read what will happen next.

It is very interesting that your style really delves into the character's thoughts (character styling). There is nothing wrong with that. It is good story telling, just a very distintive style.

Very enjoyable. Your examples did an excellent job of explaining many of the things I was trying to say.

Unfortunately, I don't have the gift of coming up with the continuance of ideas for great story telling. I kinda lost that when I left school many years ago. I just know when a story needs to pop. The sentences in a story lose their sharpness if they need to be reread to completely understand what's happening.

One has to remember, the reader needs to visualize everything. You, the writer control how much they see and feel and how much is left to the imagination in the story. Anything you can do to clarify the characters, thoughts, background, emotion and action and still carry a storyline makes for a successful reading. But...it has to be concise. Short but descriptive with just a little left for the imagination.

Every sci-fi story I've ever read started with either a character buildup or a complete background description with atmosphere before the character is introduced. Then the story begins. Eventually both these aspects meld as the story unfolds. The writer's style of that theme carries over thoughout the story as it is processed.

You also will notice that this repeats itself at the beginning of each new chapter, just not as greatly as the very first Prologue or chapter if a prologue was not introduced.

This is the colour and polish I was trying to give explanation. Thanks Cynn for elaborating those points.

[quote="Sledgehammer"] sci-fi story I've ever read started with either a character buildup or a complete background description with atmosphere before the character is introduced. Then the story begins. Eventually both these aspects meld as the story unfolds. The writer's style of that theme carries over thoughout the story as it is processed.
quote]

Remember this is only a part of the story I have left out the begining, but yes Cynns writing skill impressed me greatly as well. I will try to do a better job of visul work. Alot of the story I puprosely left out atmosphre because I have seen bad writing where there nothing but atmosphere to fill the story. But I see that instead of to much there isnt enough. So my story needs more. Thanks guys for the responces I will update the scene soon. (I'm about 15000 words after this scene at this point so I'll probly edit it one day when I'm bored or when I eventully finish the book and read over it and edit it.)

Just remember guys lol, i'm an aspiring professional writer, so i take my work to heart. the top examples were parts of books im in the process of writing, and the others i borrowed sugi's military theme to show an example.

and yeah i deffinitely have a very dinstinctive writing style, but all writers do. i can write in first, or 3rd person view, and depending on what im writing depends on the way i write it.

having others read over your work and help you pick it apart for things you might miss over yourself (naturally because its your work) and help you make it better, is always a wonderful idea.

and i'm glad i impressed you =D

I have wrote for years but I've never considered getting published until recently. My main problem is I see the whole story in my head I forget you guys can't see it So I have to show you but yes Cynn If you have any books or any kind of works that I can read I would love to read your stories.

In total ....I have about...13 books in writing atm XD not including the co-authored series, my mother and I are writing together.

eventually ill finish and publish them, prolly when im outa school and have stable (good paying) hours at work. =D

Aww that sucks I would like to read them....by the time you get them published I probly wont even know about it.

That would be freaking awesome. That goes for anyone if anyone has any good fiction they have wrote I would love to read it. I you care to share my email is Chaoz2030@gmail.com. I would give feedback (But not proof read because I am the worst person ever with grammar and structure )

Notice where the one paragraph ends by saying "stepped off into the river".

This is where the reader must imagine the fall and initial shock of breaking through the ice as this is left for the reader to fill in.

The next paragraph denotes the struggle for survival in the cold water.

My point is..something must be left for the reader to imagine but still the story must give enough detail for the reader to do this.

I ascertained that there was ice on the river from the following excerpts "the ground was covered in ice and snow" and "The winters are terribly rough" and "that cold winter day".

I maybe wrong about the ice on the river but as a reader who lives where inclement weather is taken for granted it is what I'd expect unless something in the story denoted open water on the river.

It really doesn't matter because the main subject is the struggle followed by a rescue. As long as the coldness is emphasized, the storyline can be read either way and still have the same conclusion. What happens in the fall is only relative. But it is still left for the reader's imagination to fill in. That's what involves the reader to be interactive with the story in a sense.

It still needs a lot of editing work, but I've only been writing on it for a month or so. I think I've got probably 20 pages or so on it atm. Between schoolwork and house work I often dont have time to write, or just dont have the motivation to write.

But yes the river was covered in ice. Imagine a river, flowing fast, like flood water, rapids here and there...you can see the strong undercurrent as seemingly still parts in the river. big chunks of ice and slush flowing down with the current, and being trapped in that current smacking into ice, coming to the surface for air through that icy slush, feeling numb, tired, and growing stiff (like you havent moved in years and are trying to move).

Bones and joins ache, your skin is so cold it feels like its being stretched painfully over your muscles...your muscles are tired, achy, and variablly unresponsive, choking for air as you get lightheaded from not only being in hypothermic conditions, but loss of oxygen to the brain. Imagine how your world would look (take a really flippin cold shower and imagine it, you'll find the vivid image is almost scary.)

=) thanks for the input tho. Leaving some to the readers imagination might prove to be a very good idea. ^.^